I think I cried for two hours straight yesterday.

Big, heavy tears.

But I’m okay. I really am. They were such healing tears. I met up with Ryan and he was updating me on his life. And he was just so, so hurt. By his father. By the world. And it dissolved a lot of my anger at him.

I needed that interaction. Even if it was uncomfortable. It was real. And it made me face reality.

Plus, I was high as hell.

Unrelated but also not since it was a continuation of my 420 philosophizing, I’ve decided I’m not going to keep seeing the person I’ve been seeing for the last six weeks.

It felt good to be treated so well and to feel sexy but reality is setting in. One, I just want to be single. I want my time and space back. Two, watching them cook was so off putting. Is not being able to cook a deal breaker? Maybe. I have been mostly spoiled by having partners who can cook well for me this past decade.

But this was more than that. This was one of those outsized reactions where you know there must be something more underneath. So you start to dig.

There has been a niggle. I wasn’t sure if it was self-sabotage but my friend encouraged me to trust my gut. Because when hasn’t it been right? Never. Only ignored.

I think our mismatch is that they feel very unsettled to me.

No judgment. People can live their lives however they want. But I’m analyzing for fit. And my observations all line up now.

Their home feels very transient. It has all the necessary furniture. It has personal items. Some decor. But it also has unpatched holes in the wall which I suppose we can blame on the landlord. I think the best way to describe it is what I told them, it reminded me of a college house. I guess I didn’t elaborate. But when I say that I mean it feels like it’s more an amalgamation of all the roommates it’s seen than that of a home where someone has claimed ownership. And they have lived there for five years!

They also seem to often feel obligated by social plans, they self-described it as not exactly FOMO but they moved to a city to experience city things so they try to do as much as they can. It would be one thing if they liked that pacing but that wasn’t necessarily the vibe I was getting… They sounded tired. Or maybe I’m projecting. But it reminded me of when I was 24 and moved to NYC and crammed so much in. Unsustainable.

And it also made me question, are you avoiding something? Are you recovering from something? You know what? I actually don’t care to find out. I don’t mean that callously. I’m just tired.

Anyway, it’s been an enjoyable ride and I appreciate them for that but now it’s my stop to get off.

This feels like new territory for me. Getting off on time.

I think I like it.