I finished listening to the Project Hail Mary audiobook.

I loved it. Was it cheesy? Yes. But that was exactly what I needed right now.

I’m looking forward to taking myself to see it in the theaters. I love solo movie dates.

But it almost made me realize I haven’t been to a movie since before Ryan. 

I had asked him to see a movie with me. But we never got around to it. We never got around to most things. He never really got around to much in general.

And I realized how much I lost myself. Of course, I didn’t truly lose myself. It was just the burden of needing to over function in a bad fit relationship left me too depleted to fit as much of my joy in. Not that there wasn’t enjoyment, it just was pretty limited to the dog park. And it wasn’t all to blame on our relationship, there were other circumstances too.

But finishing this book made me realize I haven’t been to a movie in a year.

And then I realized I haven’t hiked.

Or even been to the Wissahickon. I used to go most weekends.

And I had fallen off listening to my audiobooks regularly. I used to listen on my long Wissahickon walks. On my commute until calls be at the norm because I was feeling so lonely. A loneliness I no longer feel while I’m alone (telling). Cleaning was fragmented too small for chapters so I could interleave them with work tasks with hopes that would give us more time to connect when we were both home.

While this all makes me very sad. It’s good for me to face the truth. It’s good for me to pick myself. My movies. My hikes. My audiobooks.